nubiangoddess:

Today at a liquor store I found myself lusting , lusting after a woman .  It was a female with short cut hair , armani exchange sunglasses , a black fitted t-shirt , jeans that sag just enough to show the outline of boxers that read DC Shoes I believe?  I’m not attracted to what you would call a masculine female , a dyke but for some reason , I stared at her with such a driven sexual high . She had dark hair and luminous eyes .   I find myself so infatuated with women , I think of such erotic fantasies with women and then I feel guilty .  I feel like I’m sinning .  I feel as if I’m doing something that I can get a high off of and once I die , I’ll burn for eternity because of the sin .  I was taught homosexuality was an abomination and that is what I believe .  I just hate how drawn I am to women .  I would love to find a feminine woman , just as girly as I .  I would love to be very close with a woman intimately .  Being best friends and lovers .  I could imagine the passionate sex and love .  I just , don’t know .  

I’ve questioned my religion .  I don’t know why but I do .  I know the devil’s trying to fool me , I know god is real , I know it’s a sin but I just keep thinking it , believing it, and trying to find it .  I try to find what’s not meant for me .  I don’t know anymore .  Maybe i’m a lost soul that needs to go to church more , practice my religion more .  I don’t know , I’m fucking confused .